“How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?” Psalm 13: 1-2
How often do YOUR thoughts control you? I have always been a thinker…well, more of an OVER-thinker. I analyze things till I’m exhausted and overwhelmed with possibilities, and then fear sets in as I worry about what may never come. Psalm 13 speaks to this when David laments before God about how he wrestles with his thoughts. This growing and becoming and surrendering is a “wrestling” between God and me. To wrestle is to struggle, to oppose until one releases their will. It is about me wrestling against the One True God to release my will, to surrender my plans for His.
Who would really struggle against God? We do. I do. Repetatively, foolishly, believing that somehow, MY will should reign over His. That My desires are more important, better than what He has planned for me. Wow. Sounds crazy, right? Our will is strong…but God’s love is still greater. His mercy and patience is longsuffering as he continues to teach me His ways are higher than mine. I still have a long way to go, but, through my trial with ovarian cancer, God is redeeming my thought life. As I sit in his Word, He is reminding me to trust him, to let go of my worries and fears and to release my thoughts, my very life…. to him.
He tells us in Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
And a different life begins with a transformed thought life.
As you can tell, my life motto has become…LIVE DIFFERENTLY. And indeed, being given a diagnosis of cancer will do just that, force you to live differently. Living differently means SO MANY things….it can be overwhelming as I make this transition from before cancer to after cancer. But lately, God is reminding me that my first transformation MUST be my thought life…the transforming of my mind.
I admit I am still stuck in my old way of thinking. Desiring to live as before. I recently went back to our homeschool community where I was the director BEFORE cancer, but now after releasing that, I showed up as a mom. And it was different. Although, I’ve prayed to be “Different” for so long I never really understood or comprehended that different is difficult. Being different …going against the grain, not conforming to the world is going to be one of the most difficult roads I’ve ever been on.
Different means doing what I haven’t done before. It means releasing all my desires and accepting the Lord’s will for my life. Different means not being our homeschool director any longer. Releasing that which I loved…to someone else.
Different also means eating differently. Ugh. This one is harder than I thought. Since I’ve been quarantining at home for so long, I’ve developed a pattern. I’ve been able to change my diet at home, but as I begin to eat outside of my bubble….I am reminded how difficult it really is to eat healthy consistently. I went out to eat with some friends recently, and was reminded of the sacrifice of being different. I love sushi. But no longer is this an option for me. Rice is not a keto option. So, instead, I ordered a stir fry of shrimp and veggies. It was good and healthy. I was grateful they custom made my food, but y’all….it was hard. I had some tears that night. Tears over not having sushi? Really?
It really wasn’t about the sushi. I had this gross realization that my life will forever be… different. That I am being forced to change so much, so fast. Not just because I’m trying to be healthy, but I’m trying to survive. To live to raise my kids. To live to spend time with them and my family. To live for Christ to make a difference in the world. But ….I will have to begin to embrace different.
Didn’t Jesus live a different life? Paul tells us in Galatians that he died to his own life and now lives by faith….
Living differently is living a life of faith, guided by the Holy Spirit, pleasing Jesus, surrendering my own will. Living differently is EXACTLY what the Lord is calling us to live like.
But it is hard. How much did Paul encourage the new believers! He knew a life of faith would be filling with difficulties. But living a life of faith is worth it.
My goal in this journey isn’t just to live but to live well. To live to glorify the Lord in all I say and do. Therefore, it is imperative to change my thoughts, my mind. To think differently. To focus my attention on Jesus, and His will for my life. To fill my thoughts not with fear and worry but joy and thankfulness and praises to my GOD!
So how do we change our thoughts? We immerse ourselves in the Word of God. I want my thoughts to be HIs thoughts. His words. And if I am immersed enough in the good words of Jesus , then eventually my thoughts become His thoughts. My words become His words. My actions become his actions. My life becomes His life.
And in all this…that is my goal. That should be all of our goals. To live as Christ. He gave himself up for me ..for you..so that we would have a new…different… life.
2 Cor 5:17 “Therefore if anyone is in christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone and the new is here!”
So, although living differently is new, difficult, unfamiliar, a sacrifice. It is and will be worth it in so many ways. Please follow along as I continue to embrace what a different life really means.
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:25